I was having a conversation with a guy in his mid-30s and he said he was picky. He had a “whole checklist for what he was looking for” in a long term partner. I asked him, “I’m curious what some of these are, are we talking no extra toes or are we talking life-long values?” Here are some things he listed off:
A sense of humor
Likes the outdoors
Likes to travel
Has a nice booty
Freaky in bed
Ya’ll can see my eyebrows raising and me trying to hide the smile curving my lips up at the audacity of this. But I asked, “So what happens when a potential partner meets, say the majority of these but not all? Do you feel these are real deal breakers, real values that make for a long-term relationship and you cut them off immediately?”
I got my answer as he got up and excused himself from the conversation.
But it got me thinking. Years ago, in my twenties, I would have never had the audacity to confront this nonsense. I would have nodded, smiled politely, and allowed him to further the conversation at hand as though he were all deserving and ticked all boxes of every single female walking the planet earth.
Then, I decided to give you all some insight into 8 things that women in their 30s are just too damn old for.
8 Things Women in Their 30s are Too Damn Old For
1. Stagnant Conversation
I had a message pop up on Facebook the other day from someone I didn’t know: “Hey.”
I am never sure what it pertains to, but it was a male so I preceded with caution. Literally, this was our conversation:
Me: “Hello! How are you?”
Him: “Good. WRUD?”
Me: *annoyed, I don’t know him.* “Is there something I can help you with?”
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: “And not looking.”
And he sent a big ole thumbs up. Who does that? 1) Be an adult. Don’t start a conversation with “Hey” – that does nothing and goes nowhere, you are wasting both our times. I am 30 years old and very busy. 2) It’s very rude that I asked how he was and he bypassed that without even asking the same. 3) It’s extremely weird for him to ask what I am doing, you have no idea who I am so why would I provide that information?
If you are going to approach someone, especially a female in her 30s and beyond, be sure you are adding something to the conversation and not just wasting her time. I can have a great conversation either online or in person if the other person is reciprocating. But you have to work on your communication skills I am too old to guide you to ask questions.
2. Picky Men
Going back to our opening conversation above for a moment. I support anyone outlining their values, sticking with them, being honest about them, and saying hey – these values you don’t have I don’t think we are a match. What bothers me for women in the dating scene is that I have seen and heard a lot about these “picky men.” Men who have a checklist, like our friend above, of superficial items that do not make a life partner, they make a buddy.
Say I were interested in Picky Paul (that’s what we’ll call him) and ya’ll know your girl doesn’t fish, camp, I am not a huge fan of the outdoors although I love a good hike and laying by the pool. While in a relationship I would camp with my partner, I know I wouldn’t fish (I cry) so for Picky Paul I am an automatic no in his mind. But I’ll tell you what I am. I am hilariously unfunny because I find myself HYSTERICAL. I am driven and empowered. I am kind and caring. I am supportive and motivating. I am loving and giving. But hey, to Picky Paul, fishing is more valuable.
Guys, get over yourselves.
A lot of guys who have these “checklists” are the same ones who have a hella faults and I would advise women to look the other way. There is someone who puts a higher value on who you are as a woman, not solely your interests in his hobbies.
I am not afraid to voice what I want and need from a relationship. But when I do, if you say you’re gonna fix it, you damn well better fix it. You better show up for me. Inconsistency will have me walking away so fast. I am too old now to be “wasting” my time on inconsistent people. Be an adult and do what you say you’re gonna do.
Steve Harvey talks about inconsistency here and I LOVE it. A man will prioritize YOU if YOU are a priority to HIM. We make excuses and we push it aside because maybe he has a lot of pros, but inconsistency long-term, what does that look like? Is he financially inconsistent? Is he not coming home? Is he inconsistent during your pregnancy? With the kids? It’s a HUGE red flag that lately I have had to really be mindful about.
4. Being Insecure about Being Physical
Nope, not anymore. I’ll tell ya’ll what – ever since my divorce, physically, intimately, whatever, I have felt so much more empowered. Even just being in front of people. I got up yesterday evening in front of a bar full of people and participated in their adult spelling bee. I would have never done that in my 20s.
As you age, as a woman you “glow up.” This is where you become empowered and accepting of who you are physically, emotionally, the whole shebang. Own it girl!
This comes in many forms. For me it has been skin care, meditation, fitness and eating right, self-help books, my relationship with God, relationship with friends, and investing in higher quality purchases.
When we are younger, we tend to buy cheaper. Hey, we might be in-between jobs or something or just not thinking of lasting effects. But as I grow older, I am keeping on top of maintaining my health. Especially now that I am single. My wellness is everything.
6. Dwelling on Past Events and Relationships
So this one is tough for me (but I just turned 30) and it’s a work in progress. Certainly, my lack of a relationship with my parents is a much rarer occurrence of interference. I am quicker to make a decision to move on from a bad/toxic friendship or one where we are just on different paths in life. But seriously, stop dwelling on past things that happened. Get better about using it as a learning opportunity. Each relationship, we come out of it with something new about ourselves or something we can work to improve. It doesn’t have to be all bad.
7. Bros without a Plan
Dude, don’t do it. If you are in your thirties, you have a job, you have your own place, a – I don’t know, a dog! Don’t mess with a guy who doesn’t match you. I am not saying you have to seek out a millionaire but trust me. If he isn’t in his own career, in his own place, dealing with life on. His. Own. He will not have the ability and understanding to match you.
In other words, the emotional intelligence you are on is a different level. You know what it’s like in this moment to be supportive and responsible for yourself. To make some (sometimes tough) decisions and be accountable. Circumstances do happen, but believe me on this one.
8. Pretending Everything is Okay Even When It’s Not
As a society I believe we are coming out of this but I am over it, aren’t you? You aren’t alone and you aren’t superwoman. Things happen and have a tendency to happen all at once. It is okay to admit you are not okay. It is okay to seek out professional help to find ways to cope. You are not the only one who is feeling it, I promise.
We need to be more upfront about what we want and what we deserve. There is nothing wrong with being honest with yourself and others and if we did it sooner and more frequently, I believe we’d all be happier for it!
Sending love from NC – Faith ❤